About Me

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los angeles, california, United States

Sunday, August 15, 2010

nothing gold can stay

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

this quote REALLY hit home, been an emotional roller coaster lately, don't really know how to start, here goes nothing...

 I feel like i'm at a point in my life where i'm just fed up with everyone's bullshit. People who are your best friend one day, turn out to be people you've never even known. I mean how can someone you considered such a close friend, just walk out of your life like nothing the next day? IT'S BULLSHIT it's like you never knew them at all, because how is it that that person who knew you, better than anyone else can do something like that to you, over nothing? WHATEVER I feel like people who are like that were never my true friends in the first place right? they can't be, but thats probably what makes it more fucked up, cos i was fooled this whole time.

Every single person I've ever allowed to get close to me has either fucked me over or seriously hurt me which is the same thing but it's true, it's like if there was an award for 'person who gets the most fucked up friends' I would win it! hands down I would. How is that though? EVERY SINGLE PERSON? and then people who know me wonder why I have trust issues HELLO! the minute I get close to someone it's only a matter of time for them to fuck me over I really thought I was done with this after high school. I guess in high school when my "friends" would fuck me over I'd try & get them back but, after high school, and since my accident I've just been all about "life isn't worth holding grudges there's more to life than DRAMA & GRUDGES" so I can honestly say I haven't held on to any grudges when it comes to people I no longer talk to after high school & from high school either. I will forever miss my memories with them cos I LOVED them[he memories]& they mean a lot to me I DID always have the time of my life with these people and even though they've fucked me over I feel like I'll still love all my great memories with them. I don't miss them s a people I just miss the memories more than anything, you cant exactly miss a person, when they are no longer that person you once enjoyed all those memories with.

I think need to re-evaluate the people I get close to, I don't think I let people get close to now as it is, but I feel like now I cant let anyone get close to me even my own friends because it's almost as if I DON'T know who my true friends are, I'm obviously wrong when it comes to who I feel I can get close to, I can care about, and I can stay friends with, I've been wrong this whole time, and I feel like an idiot about it. I can name a handful of people right now since 2007 who have hurt me, who i once considered a close friend, who turned out to not give a shit about me. 

HONESTLY though I'm not the lets be bffs 2 seconds after you meet kinda person either,[i HATE those types] even though I know that's what I sound like right now, honestly that handful of people I'd actually known for years and years but only got close too recently most have fucked me over and, one was that, I was just sick of them, their bullshit actually, their fake-ness not necessarily to me but to others, I think one of my problems is I really do care a lot about my friends I tend to put my friends  before family sometimes, I'm that 'I'll be there for you type' & I like taking care of my friends if they happen too get too drunk, I've been told I'm the mom outta my friends cos even though I hate kids I like taking care of my friends making sure they're ok I just feel like it's my duty as a good friend to be there for them, and I hardly ever get that back from them, I'll always be the one they can come to with their problems cos I listen and I do try to help out anyway I can but I don't think I always get that back from them, I think I put more into the friendship than they do & I'm the one that gets hurt in the end. FML for caring too much I guess. 

I guess all I'm saying is it really sucks when you realize someone you though was your best friend & would continue to be your best friend isn't. Kinda make me feel like a complete idiot for ever getting close to them in the first place. It's a loss that I really thought I wouldn't have to deal with until someone close to me died, but I guess I'm dealing with the death of a friendship sooner instead of later. I've never had a problem with people no longer being in my life after something like them fucking me over, its just not like that this time, its over nothing and that's the end of it. nothing more. nothing left.

i'm just going to tell myself what I always have 'life goes on' it's true, time does heal all but most importantly something I really do strive to live out every day "fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me" I've only let ONE person back into my life after they've fucked me over in some way or another, and I think that person is the one where I didn't see it coming. It's the only time I've ever broken my 'never take someone back into my life who's done me wrong' motto I won't say I regret letting them back in because the memories I had with this person up until recently are thee best I've had my whole life in a way, these recent memories make up for that one year i was not speaking to this person , never regret, but never making the same mistakes twice either, I'm learning from this, from now on I'm staying true to myself I REFUSE to get hurt all over again, to CARE for someone again when they don't give a shit about me, and to ALLOW myself to get close to someone only to get hurt. I simply refuse, I'd rather come off as a bitch to you, than be fake to myself. SO heartless bitch, too stuck up to say hi, whatever call it what you want I've been hurt too many times. That is why this motto really hit home I DO need to find the ones worth suffering for because as of now everyone i've suffered over hasn't been worth it,.

this is my official motivation for wanting to finish school and get into SFS or Berkeley [in my dream right] but yes! I WANNA MOVE! meet people who don't know shit about my past, meet people who are motivated and intelligent and surround myself with postiveness, motivation & ambition! I WANNA GET OUT & LIVE!

this is probably one of my most favorite moz songs because of the words listen, its my all time pick me up song

"Take me out tonight
where there's music and there's people
who are young and alive
driving in your car 
I never never want to go home
because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight
because I want to see people
and I want to see life
driving in your car 
oh please don't drop me home
because it's not my home, it's their home
and I'm welcome no more"

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